Lets Talk About “Maid” By Stephanie Land
In the summer of 2021 a Netflix series started a sometimes uncomfortable, yet much needed conversation about domestic violence, poverty, and government welfare. It exploded as soon as it was released. Can we circle back to that? Maid had everyone hooked- not just because it’s a good show to binge, but because we all know an Alex, and many of us have been her.
Maid is a series based on the novel written by Stephanie Land. This book is a real account of her story as a mother who worked hard and made little money. She was hit with roadblocks throughout the way, between processing childhood trauma, a never-ending legal battle with the man that abused her, and shelved dreams that she wasn’t ready to let go of. This is a story of perseverance, dedication, and a mother’s love.
I won’t lie, it can be a hard watch.
When you’ve lived through something so terrible and mind altering as violence and emotional abuse from someone you trusted, it can be painful to watch it happen to someone else, and that’s what we’re watching here. No, there aren’t a lot of graphic physical scenes, but many of us are familiar with the mannerisms of Sean. We know the look in his eyes when Alex angers him, the tone in his voice, and his overall attitudes toward Alex. We know the punch in the gut Alex felt when the people she loved enabled a man who hurt her and put her child at risk. We were on the edge of our seats when she stood in court against her abuser and his fancy attorney, feeling a wave of the same anxiety we felt when we were served our own court papers.
It’s no wonder why Maid blew up overnight.
We’re watching what are some of our most “shameful” experiences being played out on screen- and Alex is the hero, to us. The judgment she faces from other characters in the series is the same as what we face in our real lives, too. In the real world, single mothers are sometimes judged, and sometimes praised. What tends to determine whether or not we receive judgment, is whether or not we need help. It isn’t unheard of to be embarrassed when using EBT or WIC- this embarrassment comes from society shaming people who receive government assistance. This judgment can sometimes be so intense that they begin to judge your ability to parent, or even your cleanliness. No consideration goes into how hard you can work and still be poor. This series follows Alex through a less than pleasant job, with intense physical labor and no benefits. The job she works so hard at is barely enough to get her and her daughter by, but she gets up every day and does everything in her power to make it happen. The strangers in the series who judge her for being poor don’t know any of this about her. Poor people are commonly judged for their situations as if they are lazy or not trying enough, but that isn’t a fair assumption to make. This show paints that picture very clearly for the viewer.
This kind of representation is actually a big deal.
Throughout the Netflix original series Maid, we watch Alex conquer the roller coaster that is being a poor single mother. Throughout the show, it gives a bank tally. Unexpected events happen that dip into Alex’s expenses and set her back, she runs into issues with housing, coparenting, child care, and just about every issue that a single mother could face. In the show, just as in real life, life happens, and it doesn’t slow down for single mothers or poor people. Throughout all of her struggles though, one thing never waivers- her love and dedication to her daughter, Maddie. This is where every mother can relate, regardless of their situation. This series is an embodiment of “a mother’s love conquers all.” As parents we can relate to Alex in the sense that we would go to the ends of the Earth for our children, and we fight to give them better lives, at all costs.
The abuse cycle is widely misunderstood.
Women that leave abusive relationships may find that people don’t understand the work that has been put in to escape. People seem to have the solution figured out: “just leave.” Anyone who has lived through this kind of relationship can tell you that it is really not that simple. It is often seen as the victims fault because sometimes we do fall back into our abusers grip. This is not only due to a trauma bond many people feel with their abuser, but also due to the fact that abuse is isolating and can be embarrassing to acknowledge. You want to keep everyone out of your little world so they don’t see how unsettling it actually is- which leaves you with the perpetrator as the only person you can be truly open and honest with. The scene where Alex gave in and came home with Sean and you see her literally melt into the couch was so powerful and so accurately portrayed. You see her defeat take over her will to fight. That really hit home with many of us.
Leaving an abusive man that you share a child with is not an easy task.
People who don’t understand abusive relationships seem to think that it’s as simple as just getting up and walking out of the door, as if we’d never considered that. Oftentimes, mom stayed at home and took care of the children while dad worked. This leaves the mother with no money to leave, no job, and no childcare, which is necessary in order to acquire a job, which Is needed to bring in money. It’s a vicious cycle of hang ups. The abusive man will not take a loss as big as his girlfriend leaving with his child- so he will use his money to fight her in court. Most times, this isn’t because they want to play an important role in their child’s lives, but because it is another way to emotionally hurt the mother of his child. Some men even make violent threats and go as far as kidnapping. Women leave these situations mentally way before they leave physically, and this is often necessary to survive. We have to make a calculated plan and put our blood sweat and tears into it as we create new lives and better situations for our children.
Alex is me.
I left the life I knew with my child’s father 2 years ago. Much like Alex, I waited until he drank himself to sleep, terrified after a violent outburst. I packed up what I could fit of our belongings into my best friend’s vehicle, snuck my daughter into the car, told her I loved her and promised we’d have a better life, and we never looked back. I was sick to my stomach, sweaty, and running on pure adrenaline. I didn’t know how we were going to survive without him, but we were going to do it. I was thrown around by different resources- none of which assisted me much. Unpleasant encounters with police, DCS, and narcissistic attorneys didn’t help build much confidence in myself, but I kept going.
I sat on a waiting list for almost a year for a subsidized apartment. I received WIC and EBT. I’ve had to apply for childcare vouchers, and struggle with childcare to work when I can. It’s not been the easiest path but it’s been so rewarding and the grass was truly greener on the other side.
That is the most important message that I think abused mothers should be taking from Maid. It’s not easy, and you will feel deflated and want to give up at times. It is hard work being a single mother. The thing is- you can do this. You are stronger than you realize. You may feel judgment and shame along the way, but some people will not acknowledge the monstrous cycle that keeps women hooked in abusive relationships. They are simply small encounters on our journey to healing, and we are doing the right thing by fighting for our peace and our babies. It is okay to live our truth.
